Thankful for Knowledge
I am thankful for knowledge. Even though I knew what he wanted, and even though I knew that there was only brain stem activity still going, when I asked that Mark be removed from life support, a part of me worried that he heard me. That he heard me say, “Take him off of life support.” And that when he heard me say that he screamed inside his head, “No! I’m still here! Don’t let me die!” For almost five years I have worried about that.
But then I decided to ask for clarification, even if it confirmed my fears. I asked my friend, who is a nurse who works with patients who have brain trauma, how Mark’s brain would have been working at the time I had him removed from life support. Armed with that knowledge, I feel better. I’m sure I will still have doubts sometimes, but for now I am better.
I am thankful for knowledge.
I am thankful for your knowledge, too. And praying for a peace that shushes those doubts, and shushes them again, until one day, they are silent forever.
Thanks. I’m sure the shushing will happen, but it is taking longer than I would like.
I can’t imagine how it must have felt to have to make that decision. Kevin just slipped away throughout the night. I chose not to have an autopsy-it didn’t matter to me whether it was the angiosarcoma that just killed him, or if it was the blood clot in his lung that did it. I think we all hold onto guilt in some ways. * hugs*
I think you’re right, we all have moments that still haunt us, rightly or wrongly. One of the joys of the widow thing!
I am so proud of you. Any mother would be proud to have a daughter that is so loving, caring, a wonderful wife and mother. Your wonderful mind is always working to make you a better person. I am proud to call you my daughter and my friend.
Thanks Mom. I wouldn’t have been able to make it through if you hadn’t been there. I love you!